She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
