Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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