thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
