why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
