Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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