It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
