Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
