if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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