plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
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we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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