he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
