The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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