Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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