you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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