I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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