I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
