So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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