Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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