I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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