i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
