you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
