Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Terrible idea I love it
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
