On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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