I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
