I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
