He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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