whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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