Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death