just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
