My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You ruined the universe
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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