Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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