Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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