i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
