Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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