hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
