I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Fuck appropriateness.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
