Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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