Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
