It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
