You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
