I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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