I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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