i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
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When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
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The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.