So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
