I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
