I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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