i need an iv and a liver transplant
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
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