East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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