I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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