I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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