i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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