I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
