apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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