chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
