Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
