Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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