i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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