how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
