She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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